


Letters to Tokyo

by liz_the_terrible



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Drugs, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gun Violence, M/M, PTSD, Substance Abuse, all my dumbass children
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-23
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-05-03 02:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5273456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liz_the_terrible/pseuds/liz_the_terrible
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a day off for Shizuo and he would like to spend it in peace with a new book from his favorite author, Narahiko Honda. Erika and Walker invite Shizuo to a book signing and when he discovers the man behind the books he loves so much, it will take everything he has to keep his cool.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Books That Feel Like Home

**Author's Note:**

> Used to be titled "Books That Feel Like Home". Based on the ending of the anime

It was spring in Ikebukuro and one of Shizuo’s rare days off. He had started the morning with a stroll through the park and a stop by a book store to pick up the new Narahiko Honda novel. Around midday Shizuo found himself at a peaceful coffee shop, the type of cozy place with couches and bookshelves. He bought a coffee and settled down into one of the chairs in a back corner, happy to spend a day in a quiet place with the newest installment of his favorite book series. 

A couple hours passed in peace. Customers came and left the café while Shizuo sat absorbed in the pages of his book. Around four pm two particularly animated voices rose over the din of the shop.

“Yes but you got the time wrong, Erika!” 

“I wouldn’t have gotten the time wrong if you didn’t get the venue wrong!”

Erika and Walker squabbled while waiting for their orders. Once they got their coffee they spotted Shizuo in the corner. 

“Shizuo!!” Erika exclaimed as she ran over to him, drink in hand. Walker strolled up behind her with a backpack so stuffed it looked about to burst. Shizuo looked up from his book. “Oh, hi, Erika, hi, Walker”

They sat down in chairs across from Shizuo. Erika pointed at the book he was reading “Is that the new Narahiko Honda?”

“yeah”

“I didn’t know you were a fan!”

“They’re pretty good.”

“Pretty good?!” Walker was shocked, “Those novels are a work of art! The relatable humanity of the characters! The intricate world building! The winding plots with unpredictable twists—“

“--The romance!” Erika swooned, “The unrequited love between the lonely demon and the beast of Shizuoka!”

Walker excitedly jumped in “But the most interesting characters are the Mako twins! How they solve mysteries and fight evil! Falling from the sky on their enemies in blazes of glory like angels from the heavens!”

Erika turned to Walker and continued “Oh in the new book where the twins figure out who the—“

“HEY!” Shizuo interjected, pulling the other two out of their revelry, “no spoilers.”

“Right, right.” Erika nodded, motioning that her lips were zipped shut. A second later a spark lit in her eye, “By the way, Shizuo, Walker and I were on our way to the Narahiko Honda signing down the street! Since you’re a fan you should come with us! It ends in less than an hour!”

Shizuo looked from Erika to Walker, somewhat reluctant to leave his seat though his coffee had been empty for a while now. Erika and Walker held their hands together and looked at Shizuo with unrivaled determination. He actually was interested in getting his book signed and putting a face to the words that had given him a sense of peace over the last two years. 

“Fine, let’s get going.” He finally said, rising from the chair. 

Erika and Walker jumped up and spun together “Yes! An adventure with Shizuo!”

The group grabbed their belongings and exited the shop. As soon as they were in the open air Shizuo lit up a cigarette and took a long drag.

“You know, Shizuo, no one knows who Narihiko Honda really is!” Erika exclaimed.

“I heard they’re actually a group of over a dozen people.” Walker replied.

“I heard people only think that because Honda hires people to do their signings.” 

“Maybe Honda is actually a teenage girl?”

“Or an ex-mafioso running from their past!”

Shizuo silently followed Erika and Walker as they continued debating the true identity of the author. He was also curious about who the author really was, but he had no theories. Instead he listened to the other two and pictured the various characters they conjured up. Some of their theories made him laugh as they were so far outside the realm of possibility that they were preposterous, even to Erika and Walker.

“Shizuo here it is!” Erika spun as they reached the door of the book store. 

“Im so excited I can barely stand it!” Walker pumped his fists in the air and bounced on his toes.

Shizuo put out his cigarette before opening the door. When the group walked in, there was a line halfway across the small store. There were enough people standing in front of them that they couldn’t get a clear view of the table, despite Shizuo’s height. 

Erika turned to Shizuo “Can you see from there?”

Shizuo tried to lean to see around some of the taller people in the crowd but he still couldn’t get a view of the author sitting at the signing table. Though he knew he should be excited, something felt wrong to Shizuo, like a buzzing at the back of his brain telling him he shouldn’t have come. After a moment of silence from him Erika’s voice broke above the crowd “Shizuo?”

Shizuo blinked and shook his head, “No I can’t see anything, too many other tall people here.” Walker took his backpack off and unzipped it. Inside were at least ten copies of the novel. “You really think they’re going to sign all of those?”

“They may not but it’s worth a try.” Walker replied “That’s why we came here late, so we wouldn’t hold people up in line with all these copies that need signed” Walker took inventory of his stock as the line slowly moved forward. Erika, meanwhile, kept leaning to the side to see around people. Shizuo, on the other hand, opened his book and lost himself in it.

“I saw their arm!” Erika exclaimed after a few minutes as the line got shorter. “Shizuo you can probably see now!”

Shizuo shook his head, “No, I don’t want to ruin the surprise.” In truth he felt a sinking in his stomach as they edged closer and the nagging feeling that he shouldn’t be there only got worse. He wished he could light up a cigarette. Then he heard it, an all too familiar laugh from up ahead. That’s what the feeling was, then. Shizuo closed his book and looked at Erika “I think I’m going to leave. I smell that flea here” 

Erika and Walker immediately took hold of Shizuo’s arm “No you can’t leave! We’re almost at the table! Please stay, Shizuo!” He looked down at their pleading faces. As annoyed as he was, Shizuo found himself unable to say no to their puppy-dog eyes. He sighed and said “fine, but that flea better not be here” Walker and Erika released him and he opened his book up again, trying to ignore what he had heard, hoping he had simply imagined it.

Erika pumped the air with her fist, “yes! And we’re only five people from the table!” She leaned around the line and her face lit up, “Oh this is better than I could have imagined!” She gasped, “It all makes sense now! Oh they’re like lo-“ Walker cupped a hand over Erika’s mouth before she could say another word.

Walker had also been scoping out the author, but his reaction was markedly different than Erika’s. With one of walker’s hands covering Erika’s mouth he used the other to put a finger to his own lips in a motion to tell Erika to shut up. The two exchanged a look, glanced at the oblivious Shizuo, looked at each other again and nodded before Walker released Erika.

The group waited in relative silence as their turn to see the author approached, but Erika couldn’t keep the bounce from her step. As soon as she reached the table she planted both hands on it and looked into the author’s face.

“IZAYA!” She cried, “Are you the real author?!” Shizuo now had his eyes on the flea in front of him but remained silent though he could feel his forehead pulsing. Walker was busy unloading his backpack on the table.

Izaya smiled “How much do you want to know?”

“You are, aren’t you?!” Erika couldn’t contain her excitement, “I never imagined—but this is great! Your writing is amazing! How did you even get started?”

Izaya looked over to Walker’s pile of books, “You want me to sign all of those?” Walker nodded, wearing a large grin on his face. Izaya pulled the pile over to him and began signing while Erika and Walker gushed to him about his books. Erika motioned for Izaya to listen and she whispered something to him that made him blush slightly before he laughed it off. 

Once Erika and Walker gave ground in the conversation, Izaya turned his gaze upward. “And I see you brought Shizu-chan! I didn’t know you were a reader.” He gave Shizuo a strangely warm look. 

Shizuo was thrown off-guard. “So this is what you’re doing now, flea?”

“Yes, well after so long doing the same thing I thought a change of careers would make things interesting again”

“Why are you here?”

“Here? Oh, in Ikebukuro? I was hoping I would run into you, actually. The idea of you chasing me around the city again felt somewhat nostalgic, I must admit. So what do you say?”

Shizuo took a deep breath, “I say it sounds like a shitty way to spend my day off.”

“Then how about a drink to catch up?”

During this exchange Erika and Walker were looking between the two men with growing senses of anticipation and dread. 

“DO IT!” Erika broke the strained silence, “Say yes, Shizuo!”

“What? Why? It’s Izaya. All he ever does is cause trouble.” Shizuo replied to Erika, eyes still trained on Izaya.

Walker stepped in, “Well it’s not just Izaya anymore. It’s Narahiko Honda, the most popular new novelist in Japan! You can’t turn down a drink with him!”

“I can.”

“Come on, Shizuo, you haven’t seen him for 2 years!” Erika pleaded, “And these books are more than just books now!" Her attitude changed suddenly and there was an inspiring fire in her eyes "They’re love letters and heartfelt apologies! The lonely demon! The beast of Shizuoka! Oh how did I not see it before?!”

Shizuo raised an eyebrow at Erika “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Oh and you’ve been reading these books non-stop since they came out, haven’t you?! Only a true fan picks up a new novel the day it comes out! How romantic that the love letters were unknowingly received! That they were taken for simple stories and that the author had to hide behind pen-names to truly reveal his love!”

“huh?” It wasn’t that Erika was wrong. Shizuo did find the Narahiko novels strangely comforting and familiar. He had often thought Narahiko Honda's books felt like home. Though now that he knew the source of that comfort he wasn’t quite sure what to think. 

“You should at least give him a chance. He is a celebrity now.” Walker said, as if that was the most logical argument.

Izaya was standing now. He had an infuriating smirk on his face. “So, Shizu-chan?” 

It had been 2 years since Shizuo last saw Izaya. 2 years since Izaya disappeared from Ikebukuro entirely. 2 years that had calmed Shizuo’s uncontrollable rage. The fact that the book store was still in one piece after he came in contact with Izaya attested to how far he’d come. The thought occurred to Shizuo that perhaps he wasn’t the only one who had changed. He spent a moment mulling things over in his mind. Maybe--and this was a thought he never expected to have--he should give the flea a chance.

Shizuo found himself saying “Alright. But you’re buying.”


	2. A Change of Scenery

_This is a bad idea._ Shizuo’s stomach was in knots. In one hand he clutched his phone in a grip threatening to break it, the other hand was steadily making a dent in the pole on the commuter train taking him to some seedy neighborhood in Shinjuku. His head was buzzing again. That irritating feeling that something was off kept nagging at him. Shizuo glanced down at his phone. It was open to a single message from an unknown number. All it had was an address, time, and a coy “see you soon~~~”. It made his stomach turn. Of course this is how Izaya would operate. Of course he would send Shizuo to a shady bar in Izaya’s home turf.

As the train came to a stop, Shizuo repeated the address out loud to himself, took a deep breath, and stepped out into the station. The entire ride he had been trying to breathe to dissipate the rage boiling up in him. He lit a cigarette as soon as he was on the street. The bar wasn’t far away. _Maybe he won’t be there_ Shizuo hoped. He didn’t want to confront this part of his past. Not again.

Shizuo hadn’t told anyone about this little meet up. The only people who knew were Erika, Walker, Izaya, and himself. He didn’t want anyone else to know about it. He approached the bar at length and stood there staring at it. There were several steps leading down from the street into a small door which was propped open and pouring light out onto the pavement. Shizuo’s heart started racing. He stared at the door for a moment. His jaw tightened and his forehead started pulsing.

“Dammit!” he exclaimed under his breath. Instead of going inside, Shizuo lit another cigarette and paced in front of the steps. The flea was in there. He knew it. He could feel it. _“Promise me you’ll stop tearing apart the city”_ Shizuo remembered Celty’s plea. That was a long time ago. So far he’d kept his promise but if he broke it tonight he didn’t want his friend to find out about it.

As much as he wanted to turn and leave Shizuo knew he couldn’t. His curiosity wound up getting the best of him.

“Shit” Shizuo growled. He stomped on the butt of his cigarette and braced himself.

The pub was a small establishment, with a long bar running down the length of the left wall and several tables scattered around the floor. The crowd was small but felt large in the cramped space. The flea sat at the far end of the bar top, face lit dimly by a cell phone screen, still wearing a jacket despite the stuffy atmosphere. Shizuo took a deep breath. Then he walked down to where the flea sat, violently pulled out the stool next to him, and sat down.

Izaya looked up at him with a grin on his insufferable face. “Shizu-chan! You made it! I was beginning to wonder if you were standing me up.” His words rang with that same laughing tone Shizuo remembered. He balled his hands into fists.

“You know my name, flea”

Izaya poured Shizuo a shot of sake from an expensive looking bottle, “Oh relax, I just want to chat” he moved on to fill his own glass. “Drink up.”  
Shizuo gripped the cup tightly and downed the contents in one gulp. The sake was one of the thick, sweet varieties. Thankfully it was strong. He grabbed the bottle and poured himself another glass. Izaya chuckled to himself, “Are you nervous?”

“The way I see it,” Shizuo clenched his jaw, “This drink is about the only thing keeping me from bashing your head in right now.”

“We’ve barely said 2 words to each other and already you’re so wound up.” Izaya shook his head and sipped from his own cup. “To be honest this is exactly what I expected of you, Shizu-chan.” He sighed and finished his glass, then refilled it, “I do miss it sometimes. Don’t you?”

Shizuo’s muscles had already begun to relax and the desire to throw something was dissipating. “Miss what? You stinking up the city? Following me around?” He downed another glass, “Oh, how about all those times you got me _arrested_?!” Izaya had already refilled Shizuo’s cup again. Shizuo picked it up and continued, sarcastically, “To the good ol’ days!”

“I’ll toast to that” Izaya said with a smirk. They both knocked back their third cups and soon the world began to soften at the edges.

“So I’ve been wondering this all day: what’s with the switch of careers, flea?”

“Well like I said, I needed a change”

“That’s bullshit. You never change.”

“Shizu-chan! I’m wounded that you would say such a thing. Everyone changes at some point. Every person on the planet has to adapt constantly. Otherwise what’s the point? It would be so boring if people didn’t change at all. Besides it’s an evolve or die world out there, Shizu-chan, I’m sure you realize that by now, seeing as to how you haven’t destroyed anything all day. I’d say you yourself have begun to adapt, which I’ll admit, does seem a bit bizarre. A super human like you really has no need to evolve now does it?”

“Cut the crap, Izaya. Tell me why you’re here”

“No fun, as usual, Shizu-chan”

“You know my name, flea.”

“Fine.” Izaya sighed and poured thick, sweet sake into Shizuo’s cup, “if you want the truth, I was simply feeling nostalgic, a little homesick as it were.”

“So why did you want to see me?”

“Drink up, Shizu-chan.” Izaya held his cup aloft and nodded before the two men downed their fourth glasses in one go. “Now, what were we discussing? Oh yes. Why I’m here, yeah?”

“Seriously why are you here, Izaya? We all thought you were gone, or dead, or. Something. Not coming back anyway.” Shizuo let out a laugh, “I mean, no one wants you here and yet here you are again!”

“Why must you be so cruel?” Izaya sipped from his fifth cup, eyes beginning to go starry. He stared vacantly into his cup and quietly said “I think I did just miss everyone. Shinra, Celty, Mikage.” He glanced at Shizuo, “You.”

Izaya laughed with his head in his hands. “I still can’t believe it. You actually read my books!”

Shizuo let out a hearty laugh along with Izaya. “I know! I can’t believe you actually did something like that! What were you even thinking? I mean those books are not at all what I would expect from you.” They were turned towards each other, behaving like they were actually friends, “I mean, what in the world made you start writing them? You know, Tom is actually the one who introduced me to them and I don’t know, there was something so familiar about them…So what’s it like, being a famous author and all? Giving up on playing god?”

“One thing I will never fully understand is what people see in that series. It’s rambling, it’s ridiculous and far-fetched. That’s funny for anything to be far-fetched after all the shit we’ve seen, huh? But it puts food on the table. Wait, wait. So I’m curious. Who’s your favorite character in them?”

Shizuo pondered the question for a moment, “Well to be honest I like most of the characters. I guess my favorite is probably the demon—rei?”

“Shizu-I mean, Shizuo. Seriously? I was planning on killing him off, he bores me anymore.” Izaya stretched back, then he winced and quickly leaned forward, bracing himself on the counter.

Shizuo grabbed Izaya’s arm to steady him. “Woah. Are you okay?” Suddenly Shizuo felt guilt so strongly it cut through the drunkenness

“Oh I’m fine, don’t worry about it” Izaya brushed Shizuo’s hand away and smiled, “Its just an old wound”

Shizuo was silent for a moment, staring blankly at his companion, “Did I—was that from—"

“Oh. No, actually. Well it might be. It’s hard to keep track” Izaya’s joking lilt was back. Shizuo had a feeling that the flea was lying. A memory surfaced. Verona with a gun, a knife stuck in Izaya’s side. Silence settled over them before Izaya spoke again.

“So why Rei? Honestly I’m curious, why on earth is it Rei?”

Shizuo shrugged “I guess it’s just that he’s y’know, vilified for being what he is. He can’t change being a monster that’s something that’s just a part of him, you know? And well, I guess I understand that and he’s always on the outside looking in and he’s always just, yknow, one small mistake away from hurting the people he loves and destroying everything. I dunno. I guess I understand him.”

“But you realize he’s alone because he hurts people? I mean, it’s what he does. He doesn’t know how else to live. He’s shunned because he can’t be anything but harmful.”

“yeah, man, that’s how I feel sometimes though. You even say yourself that I’m a ‘monster’ or whatever. I just feel connected to him on a personal level.” Shizuo let out a chuckle then abruptly changed the subject with “oh, by the way, I know they’ll want to know, or at least Shinra will want to know, Celty probably doesn’t care at all, no offense. so I’ll just ask: Did you mean to miss the wedding?”

“Well that’s a bit of a long story. . .”

For a while the night continued with a friendly atmosphere. They finished the first bottle and started on a second one. It was somewhere around the middle of that second bottle that things started going south. It started with a comment about Shizuo’s brother.

“How is your brother doing these days, anyway?” Izaya asked.

“why do you want to know?”

“Just friendly curiosity. You’re still so touchy about this I see”

“Shut up, Izaya, don’t—don’t start this shit.”

“You know, I saw him today. Of course, it’s not hard to keep track of him. It’s so easy to find out about his life. I guess fame will do that. Good thing he has you to keep him safe. Actually It’s a wonder with your abilities you aren’t famous, shizu-chan”

“Izaya—“

“I mean, the public loves a good monster story”

Shizuo’s blood started going hot with rage. The next thing he knew, he had smashed a barstool against the wall and the flea was waving teasingly from the door. The bartender didn’t have time to tell them to leave before they were already gone chasing each other down the street. Once Shizuo was out on the street he grabbed the nearest thing he could. In this case a bench from a bus stop. He tore the furniture right off the pavement and gave chase to the flea who was already turning a corner into an alleyway. Shizuo threw the bench down the alley but the flea ducked and turned onto the next street to dodge it.

The chase ended at a nearby park when Izaya—drunk and not paying attention—nearly ran into a bench. When Shizuo caught up, now with a large trash can over his head, Izaya was doubled over and shaking with laughter. “It’s still so easy to get to you, Shizu-chan” Izaya slid to the ground, trying to catch his breath. Shizuo knew there was something strange about this but he couldn’t think clearly and wound up dropping the trash can and joining in Izaya’s somehow infectious laugh. It had never been infectious before.

Shizuo sat down on the ground next to Izaya, the world was spinning ever so slightly and Izaya was wiping tears from his eyes. Izaya gazed out to the city for a moment then gestured towards the abandoned trash can and said “Shizu-chan, you see, you see this? This is what I miss. You, me, the streets. Oh I miss it so much!”

“Izaya, last time this happened—really happened—I almost killed you”

Izaya threw his arms in the air, eyes wide with delight “I know! It was exhilarating! You just don’t get these thrills in the country, you know?”

Shizuo ran a hand through his hair and said “I’m actually glad I didn’t kill you. It’s good to know you’re, y’know, alive. I felt so guilty about it for the longest time” He tried to hid his sincerity and failed. Shizuo pulled a cigarette box from his pocket, pulled one out and put it between his teeth. Izaya watched him the whole time. “You want one?” He held the pack out to Izaya, who pulled a smoke out for himself and lit up.

Izaya picked up the bottle sitting next to him. Shizuo hadn’t even noticed the flea had actually brought the booze with him but here they were with stolen sake. Izaya twisted the cap off and took a swig then offered it to Shizuo, who shrugged before accepting and taking a deep drink from the bottle. Shizuo sighed and wiped his mouth on his sleeve before placing the bottle between them.

It was a nice night. There was a subtle wind that brought a slight chill with it, but neither of the men noticed the cold. They sat and smoked in silence for a moment.

“Shizuo?”

“hmm?”

“S’it true that no one wants me here?” Izaya’s voice sounded sincere and verging on sadness.

“Izaya…” Shizuo was at a loss.

“They’ve never wanted me around, Have they?” Izaya stretched and moved to lay down on the ground, “I suppose I should be used to that by now.” He tried to keep up a light-hearted demeanor but something in his voice made his pain clear.

“Well you can’t blame them, you’ve been a complete bastard. You tried your damnedest to ruin all of our lives. Multiple times. I mean, maybe if you tried—”

“No I get it. I don’t blame you. Any of you.”

“Izaya” He looked him dead in the eye, it was a little unsettling to see the flea so vulnerable, even if it was only because of the drinking, “why do you even care?”

“I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t really matter, does it? Why should I care? I don’t remember caring before and yet,” Izaya sighed, his eyes fixed on the sky above, “Have you seen a sky full of stars, Shizu-chan? It’s the strangest feeling. It’s like you actually see how small you are. How much none of this matters. Here, in the city, we’re in our own bubble of smog and streetlights and it all matters…so…much. Things never used to matter to me. I knew I didn’t matter but. The feeling of a sky full of stars. That’s a whole other kind of insignificant.” A moment passed before Izaya turned to Shizuo with a quizzical look on his face and said “Are you hungry? I could go for some Russian sushi”


	3. Old Habits

Shizuo turned the hot water knob. As if to spite him, the shower head spat water everywhere in a brief explosion before releasing a thin, disappointing trickle. He stuck his hand in the pathetic stream and immediately recoiled at the shock of ice cold water. He turned the water off and groaned—this was not a good way to start the morning. Shizuo had been looking forward to a nice, relaxing, hot shower after the previous night. He could think of nothing better to clear his head. But instead here he was, staring as the shower slowly dripped onto the poorly slanted floor. He took a deep, steadying breath to calm his anger and continued with his morning routine. As soon as he stepped out of his door Shizuo lit a cigarette and took a deep drag. His mind was an unyielding force. It swirled with thoughts about the damn flea as he tried desperately to untangle the meaning of last night. The whole thing felt unreal. He must have dreamed it. There was no way he actually had a decent time with that miserable insect. And yet—somehow—it was true. After the suspicion and rage was dulled with sake, Shizuo found himself actually enjoying Izaya’s company. It didn’t seem like he had anything up his sleeve. It didn’t feel as though the flea was trying to hurt him. They just had drinks and caught up. Like normal people. Like they were old friends. Like they were—Shizuo tried to hold onto his suspicion. None of it could possibly be true. Why would Izaya suddenly decide to be decent for once? It didn’t make sense. There had to be something to it—

“Yo! Shizuo!”

Shizuo broke out of his reverie to find Tom snapping his fingers in front of his face. He turned to face Tom, “sorry, I guess my mind is just somewhere else today.”

“Man, are you okay? You don’t usually space out like that.” Tom cocked an eyebrow in concern.

Shizuo felt like his own words were coming through a fog, “yeah…I’m fine. Just…. had a weird night.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“I’ll tell you about it later. Let’s just get going.”

Tom was obviously still concerned but he decided to roll with it. “Alright,” he shrugged and started down the steps, “We’ve got a busy day, some calls to make across town. Our first guy is another gambler . . .”

As Shizuo fell in step behind Tom he couldn’t focus on a thing his boss was saying. His mind kept combing over every detail of last night. He ran the evening over and over again in his head and still came up blank. The longer he spent trying to figure out Izaya’s motive for this sudden display of hospitality, the more irritated he became. Something felt so wrong about the whole thing, he just couldn’t put his finger on it.

* * *

Stone tile is not an ideal bed. It’s cold and hard and when you wake up it feels like your whole body is bruised. But someone using their own congealed sick as a pillow doesn’t really care about that when they pass out on the bathroom floor. By this point, Izaya was used to waking up this way. Hair plastered to his forehead with sweat, the side of his face glued to the floor with his own vomit. Stinking, wet, and cold. Shivering and sweating at the same time. None of it was new.

The first thing he noticed as he returned to consciousness was the pounding headache and unbearable bone deep pain in his legs. The second thing he noticed was the pungent smell of his own sick: stomach acid and bourbon. The stench made him gag—the sudden motion set off a bomb in his skull. With a fair bit of meticulous maneuvering Izaya managed to peel himself off the floor and lean against the wall without moving his legs. The next dreaded step was to unlock his knees. He took in a sharp breath as he proceeded to slowly, carefully, stretch out his left leg. Every little movement shot such a deep throbbing pain through his leg that tears formed in his tightly shut eyes. After what felt like an eternity, his legs were both stretched out on the floor in front of him. His chest heaved with shaking breaths as he finally opened his eyes.

The world swam into focus. He was in a place he hadn’t seen in a long time. Izaya blearily recalled returning to his Shinjuku apartment and going straight for the liquor he had hidden behind a set of encyclopedias when Namie worked for him. That seemed like a lifetime ago.

Though he was slicked with sweat, covered in puke, and in desperate need of a shower there was only one thing on Izaya’s mind; where in hell had he thrown his jacket last night? That one thought was enough to motivate him to stand, though every piece of him screamed to stay still.

He shakily stood, clinging to the wall with clammy hands, every muscle crying out in protest. Once upright he braced himself against the cold wall and moved unsteadily into the hallway where he had a clear view of the living room from which he used to conduct his business. Izaya praised his drunken laziness when he spotted his saving grace draped over the back of the side of the sectional couch closest to the hall. He pushed himself off the wall and stumbled towards the couch, snatching the coat off the back of it as he collapsed into the leather upholstery, legs draped over the arm of the couch. He frantically tore through the numerous hidden pockets, fingers fumbling over knives, bills, phones, and fake IDs before he finally grasped a small pill bottle. In his haste it took several frustrating tries to remove the cap and empty a couple tablets onto his palm which he immediately popped in his mouth and chewed. It was as though he hadn’t been breathing up until that point. He let out a long sigh, replaced the bottle into the abyss of his coat and reached for the phone in the front pocket.

8:30am. It seemed impossible that it would be so early. He had a missed call from his manager which he made the mistake of returning.

The phone rang only twice before it was picked up. “Izaya! It’s about time, why the hell are you still fucking around in Tokyo?”

Izaya pinched the bridge of his nose. “I decided to stop by the old neighborhood. I could have sworn I told you that already.”

“You were supposed to come back last night.”

“Well the city is just so interesting, I thought I might stay a little longer before going back to that tedious little town full of tedious people. It’s just so boring there and so easy to get lost observing the people out here. There’s so much _life_ here. So many fascinating little things happening all the time.”

“I can track your phone, you know—“

Izaya held the phone away from his ear by dangling his arm off the side of the couch. Laying on the old leather cushions he had a clear view of the cobwebbed ceiling. He rubbed his temple as his manager continued on her tirade.

“—I don’t know what you think you’re doing—”

_Will she just shut up already, it’s impossible to think with her just yammering on. Blah blah blah “you’re so irresponsible” blah. At least by the time she’s done—_

“—I am not letting you put my career on the line for your—”

_—the meds will probably have kicked in. She does just go on, doesn’t she? Is this her idea of revenge now? She’s going to annoy me to death? Manami has changed, hasn’t she? She’s even wearing contacts now. . .I wonder what that’s about? Maybe she feels more confident now she’s professionally tormenting me. She has been going out a lot though. Maybe it’s—_

“—Izaya! Are you listening?”

“Of course I am. Don’t worry, I’ll be at work on the manuscript before you even get here. By the way, would you do me a favor and bring my cane with you when you come over?”  
There was a sigh on the other end of the phone, “You didn’t bring it with you?”

“It’s just a small thing. Like you said, I was supposed to be back last night anyway. It seemed unnecessary.”

“Fine. I can be there in an hour.” She ended the call without a good-bye. An hour. Now that his pain was letting up an hour would be plenty of time to erase the evidence of last night. He stood up steadily, bracing himself on the back of the couch.

As he was about to continue on to the shower, Izaya's phone went off. When he unlocked it he saw a message from an unknown number.The text contained only a time and location. “Noon. West Gate.” Izaya grimaced. He had a feeling he knew exactly who it was from; he’d been expecting this. But it didn’t give him the thrill he thought it would. _This is what you’re here for, why aren’t you excited?_

* * *

By lunch Shizuo was quietly seething. Tom returned to the table and sat down across from his friend. “Okay, now are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?”

“I’m fine”

“You’re obviously not fine.” Tom nodded towards the mangled paper cup in Shizuo’s fist that was leaking soda onto the table.

Shizuo realized what he’d been doing and took a moment to unclench his fists and jaw. The cup was beyond rescue, the table and his hand were covered in soda. Tom and Shizuo set to the combined effort of gathering thin napkins to clean up the mess.

“So what is this all about?” Tom sopped up the last of the soda, tossed the massive wad of soaked napkins in a nearby trash can, and returned to his seat across from Shizuo.

Shizuo gritted his teeth and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know.”

“That’s enlightening.” Tom paused, propped his chin in his hand and said “You know, I’m not psychic. What could possibly have you so worked up, Shizuo? Did you have a bad date or somethin’?”

“Not a _bad_ date.” Shizuo growled in frustration, “It wasn’t a date.” He clarified, “But it should have been bad, but it wasn’t, that’s the problem.”

Tom perked back up, “That doesn’t make sense.”

“None of it makes sense! I can’t figure it out, there’s got to be something I’m missing! No way would that damn—” Shizuo’s phone buzzed across the table leaving stunned silence in its wake. He stared at it for a moment like it might bite him if he touched it.

Tom nodded towards the phone, “Are you gonna check that?”

Shizuo unlocked his phone, the message immediately displayed on the screen. The flea had sent him a selfie taken at West Gate Park: in the photo he was smiling and holding up the peace sign. It was disgusting. Shizuo’s face flushed red, his heart started pounding, his brows knit together—he suddenly wanted to break his phone.

Tom was too curious for his own good. He glimpsed the photo in the reflection of his companion’s sunglasses and nearly choked on his drink. “Wait, that’s who this is about?” He sputtered

Shizuo locked his phone and slammed it face down on the table. He would discover later that the impact cracked the screen.

“Dude, what—how—why—? Is he back here? In Ikebukuro?!”

Shizuo's growl of disgust was enough of an answer.

“Well, the peace was good while it lasted.” Tom sighed.

* * *

“Where are you going?” Manami called from the couch as Izaya stood from his desk and stretched.

“Just running some errands.” He grabbed his coat and a sleek looking black cane from where he’d propped it up against the window. “Do you need anything while I’m gone?”

“Your absence is enough of a gift.” She didn’t even look up from her laptop.

With that, Izaya walked out; relying heavily on the cane he made his way down to the train to Ikebukuro.

The day was pleasant, which made the walk from the station to the park a lot easier. Izaya tried to enjoy the walk. He thought of the excitement about to unfold, the danger he could be in and yet it didn’t feel the same as it used to. This sort of thing should have thrilled him, not exhausted him.

There was an empty bench by the fountain that he chose to wait at. He still had a half hour before his meeting time with— _well why make assumptions?_ He thought. _Maybe it will be a surprise._

Izaya spent several minutes going through a list in his head of people who could possibly have business with him. Though he knew who was coming he was hoping someone more interesting might show up. He sighed and twirled his cane. _Honestly I'd take Shizu-chan over the Awakusu at this point_ Izaya suddenly found himself thinking of the previous night. Before he got home and destroyed himself he’d had a pleasant evening—with Shizu-chan of all people. He originally invited that protozoan out simply to have a little fun and mess with him. Izaya never dreamed he’d actually agree. Let alone show up. Even though they did fight, most of Izaya’s attempts to provoke the beast had failed. Instead something entirely new took the place of the violence. It was easy to blame the alcohol—that could be all it was—but he recalled having a good time even over dinner when they were sobering up. The memory of Shizuo’s laugh cut through his thoughts and brought an impulsive smile to Izaya’s face. The reaction was somewhat disconcerting. It didn't feel right, really. But it somehow felt natural.

A ridiculous idea crossed Izaya’s mind at that moment. He couldn’t resist the chance to make Shizuo squirm a little. Izaya only wished he could have seen the look on his face when he received that overly saccharine photo.

Spare few minutes after sending the message, a man sat down next to Izaya on the bench.

Izaya greeted him,"Akabayashi! It's been too long."

The noon sun gleamed off the rims of his sunglasses. “The boss wants to see you.”

Izaya gave Akabayashi a sly smile that betrayed nothing “No time to chat, I see. You guys are always in such a hurry to get to business." Izaya sighed, "Well, if you insist on foregoing pleasantries then let's just get this over with.”

* * *

 Shizuo’s irritation only grew stronger as the day wore on; the afternoon continued with Tom trying to reign him in at every turn. That day saw a spike in city property damage that hadn’t been seen in over a year.

“Man, the boss won’t be happy about this.” Tom said as they nonchalantly walked away from a broken fire hydrant and a mangled street sign tossed carelessly in the middle of the road.

“yeah. . .sorry about that.”

Tom sighed, “No, it’s fine.” They wrapped up the day and went their separate ways. Shizuo’s irritation kept returning. He knit his brows as he tried to figure out why exactly the flea had him so annoyed this time. Before everything in Ikebukuro went straight to hell he never really thought about why he felt so angry; it just happened. But ever since Izaya skipped town he’d been trying to be more mindful—or something—about his anger issue. Izaya, however, was simply beyond comprehension. Every time he thought about that damn flea it confused him; he found it was easy and natural to just be angry. Yet there was a part of him that seemed almost glad he came back. Like something had been revived in him. But that was ridiculous.

Shizuo decided to walk through the park on his way home. Maybe it would help him figure things out. As he approached the fountain he saw a black sedan stop on the street ahead. One of the back doors swung open. Shizuo watched from a distance as Izaya stepped out. _So he hasn't changed._ Shizuo's anger was threatening to get the better of him again but he kept his distance. Izaya leaned on a cane while speaking to someone inside the vehicle. Whoever he was talking to pulled the door shut and the car drove away leaving Izaya alone on the sidewalk. As soon as the car was out of sight, the flea’s whole demeanor changed. He suddenly looked so small, so exhausted.

However, the flea’s pathetic appearance didn’t dissipate Shizuo’s rage. “Izaya-kun!”

Izaya straightened up and turned to face Shizuo with an aggravating smile on his face, “Ah, Shizu-chan! I should have expected to run into you today.” He walked towards Shizuo, closing the distance between them until they were face-to-face. “How did you like that photo I sent you?”

“What was that just now, flea?!”

Izaya glanced back towards the street, “Oh that was nothing, just some business that needed wrapping up.”

“You going back to your old tricks, _I-zay-a_?” Shizuo stressed every syllable of his name through gritted teeth

“Sadly, no. If only that were possible. But alas, it seems my skills are no longer needed here. That’s the nature of the business, I’m afraid. One guy leaves, ten more take his place. The information trade is a truly vicious world.”

“You think I’m that stupid?” Shizuo clenched his fists.

Izaya recognized the familiar sight of Shizuo's rage on the tipping point. “And just when we were getting along so well. Ah well, it seems old habits really do die hard. I’d rather not fight today, though, Shizu-chan. As you can see, you’d have the clear advantage here.” Izaya tapped his cane on the ground to prove the point.

Shizuo was still agitated, but found it difficult to summon the rage he generally felt around Izaya.

The flea sighed, “I don’t need your pity. It doesn’t suit you.”

“Why would I ever pity _you_?”

“Because you can’t fight me when I can’t fight back. It makes the whole ordeal much less entertaining for the both of us.”

“Who said I wanted to fight, huh?!”

Izaya raised an eyebrow and leaned towards Shizuo, “Then what exactly would you like to do, Shizu-chan?”

Shizuo was thrown off-guard. The last 24 hours had been so confusing and contradictory he wasn't quite sure what he wanted. “I don’t know. I guess…” he groaned, annoyed at himself for even thinking this, “Look, I had fun last night.”

“Well then maybe we should do it again sometime, Shizu-chan.”

“I’ve got time now” Shizuo had to suppress the urge to punch himself in the face.


	4. Rejoicing in Futile Efforts

###  _One Year Ago_

The streets of Ikebukuro hadn’t changed. Not really. There were still fights in the streets, still people who couldn’t pay their debts, still a mysterious biker in black who still enjoyed the company of a tall man who still dressed like a bartender.

“I just don’t get it,” Shizuo took a drag on his cigarette, “Things have been calm and quiet but it just feels so wrong.”

Celty shrugged. She didn’t really know what Shizuo meant by ‘calm and quiet’. Things were no more calm or quiet than they had ever been as far as she knew. In fact there had been a recent surge in gang violence all over the city. Her husband, Shinra, hadn’t seen a break in his flow of gunshot victims for weeks.

“But it’s not like I feel uneasy. I mean, before—when that flea was still hanging around—when things felt wrong it was like this uneasiness waiting for something to happen. But now, I don’t know, it just seems like something is missing. Like there’s a big hole in the middle of the city and I can’t figure out what it is.” Shizuo sighed and leaned against a light post, “I know I’ve been calmer. Everyone keeps saying I’m making such great strides.”

" _And you are, you seem to be doing really well these days,_ " Celty typed out on her phone.

Shizuo read the text and smiled, “Thanks, Celty,” however his pensive mood didn't change, “I just thought I would feel better once I got my strength under control. But I don’t really, I just feel sort of empty like there’s this big piece of me that’s missing—the piece of me that let me be who I was. I know it sounds foolish to complain about my progress but I can’t seem to shake this hollow feeling.”

Celty had no useful response to her friend. What words of comfort could she possibly provide? Her shoulders drooped and her fingers hovered over the keyboard of her phone while she contemplated her response.

It was then that a teenager in a purple hat came up to him and tried to shake down Shizuo for cash. The thug approached him out of the blue demanding he hand over his wallet at knife point. Shizuo stomped out his cigarette and gritted his teeth. He couldn’t stand thieves. Celty grew concerned for the kid’s life.

Shizuo lifted the boy off the ground by his shirt collar.

_Oh no, here we go again. I can't watch!_ Celty thought, clutching her phone to her chest waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But instead of giving the idiot teenager the beating of his life, Shizuo just said, “Beat it, kid” then tossed the young thief a couple feet away from him. He landed on his ass with a painful sounding thud--it was enough to set the kid running for his life.

Shizuo watched the terrified teenager as he sprinted away then he turned to Celty and said: “See what I mean? Even that didn’t piss me off.”

Celty had to admit her friend was right about something being wrong. Someone trying to steal from him would normally send Shizuo into a legendary rage. " _Wow there really is something off with you._ " after a moment of thought she continued, " _...this sounds crazy but do you think, maybe...no, nevermind, I can't even imagine that being the cause_ "

Shizuo looked at Celty in utter confusion, "What was your thought? A theory is better than nothing, right?"

Celty paused, mulling over the possible consequences of what she was about to say, " _okay so, you think it might be possible...that you just don't know what peace feels like? Because, you know, umm...that guy...always made you on edge?_ "

Shizuo guffawed at the thought, "Seriously? You think it's because of that shitty flea?" He shook his head in disbelief, "Shit. What if that's right though? Can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind." He let his gaze wander up to the skyline, "You ever wonder what he's up to, Celty?"

" _No!_ " Celty was typing furiously, " _I say good riddance, he gave me the creeps!_ " She shivered to emphasize her point and continued, " _Honestly I'm glad he's gone. You know he had my head in his office????!!!!! MY HEAD!!!!!!_ " She shook her head--well her helmet--violently as Shizuo read the text, " _Seriously don't waste your time thinking about that scumbag. He's gone and I hope he's gone forever._ "

Shizuo shrugged, “Well, whatever the reason for feeling like this, I guess it’s better this way anyway. Less property damage my boss has to pay for.”

Celty’s shoulders shook with silent laughter. As she poised to write her response she noticed the time on her phone. Her shoulders tensed in visible panic. _Shit_ she thought, _I'm going to be so so sosososososo late!!_ " _Sorry, Shizuo, I have to go, I'm running super late on a pick up! I'll see you tomorrow!_ " Celty mounted her bike and drove off into the distance without a sound.

Shizuo was left alone on the sidewalk to think. For a long time now, whenever he was alone with his own thoughts, he wound up wondering how Izaya was doing. He wound up thinking about what would be going on if Izaya were still there. Mostly he wondered if things could have ever been different between them.

###  _Present_

“I have time now,” Shizuo regretted the words as soon as they escaped his lips.

“You’re so eager, aren’t you?” Izaya teased.

Shizuo’s face flushed red with embarrassment. “You know, what? Never mind, forget I said anything.” He spat the words through gritted teeth. He glared at Izaya who wore a triumphant smirk on his idiotic face.

“Oh come on, Shizu-chan, I'm just teasing.”

“Well...fine. Fine.” Shizuo's forehead was pulsing.

Izaya let out an exasperated sigh, “So, since we both have so much time to kill: how about a movie?” he suggested.

“Fine.” Shizuo snarled. He grabbed Izaya’s free hand and started dragging him along. After a few steps he felt something like a stick make a solid impact with his leg. With a snarl he spun to face his attacker, "What?!" he growled.

Izaya was leaning on his cane and glaring at Shizuo, “You really have no awareness at all, do you?”

What he was doing finally dawned on Shizuo, “Shit.” He let go of Izaya’s hand and let him straighten himself out. “Sorry.”

Izaya gave him a condescending smile, “I really shouldn’t expect anything else from you. They say children don't fully develop empathy until their pre-teens, though I don't know the psychological development process for Protozoan monsters.”

"Five minutes. Could you not be a dick for five goddamn minutes?"

Izaya was silent for a moment before giving Shizuo a half-hearted shrug, "Fine, have it your way then."

They began walking again, though without the rage propelled pace Shizuo tried to set earlier.

“Look, I'm really sorry about that, I’m just not used to you being like this yet." Shizuo shoved his hands in his pockets and set his eyes on the pavement a few feet ahead. "Come to think of it, you didn't say anything about this last night.” He ran a hand through his hair as he looked towards the sky, "Dammit, and I even tried to fight you. Why didn't you say something?" Shizuo recalled Izaya stumbling and out of breath the night before-- _Why didn't I pick up on that? Dammitdammitdammitdammit_.

“It's fine, Shizu-chan." Izaya gave him a faint smile. There was something surreal about seeing Shizuo beat himself up for Izaya's sake. It was almost funny--almost. Izaya wished he would stop. He continued, "Honestly, I’m barely used to it.”

Shizuo caught Izaya looking towards the ground with a pained expression. Izaya was oblivious to Shizuo noticing how vulnerable he looked in that moment--and Shizuo didn’t know why--but he felt the need to be close to him then. He caught Izaya’s free hand in his, gave it a gentle squeeze and held onto it. The whole time Shizuo stared straight ahead, determined to act like nothing was happening even though it produced a strange, light feeling in his chest.

“I always did admire your boldness.” Izaya smirked. He was not about to let this slide without note.

“Shut up.” Shizuo’s harsh words were contradicted by the smile playing on his lips.

* * *

 After the movie, the pair decided to find somewhere for dinner. Shizuo wanted to keep it cheap but Izaya insisted he would pay if it meant they could avoid Shizuo’s regular fast-food haunts. They wound up at a Korean barbecue place, drinking over-engineered cocktails and watching slabs of cured pork and beef slowly cook on the grill in front of them.

They dissected the movie they just saw—Izaya had a lot to say about it, mainly about how poorly they portrayed human reactions. Shizuo was less critical, but only slightly. They kept making each other laugh until their sides hurt: it would have been a perfect evening.

After dinner, Izaya and Shizuo sat on a bench on the street outside the restaurant, bringing the evening to a close. Shizuo smoked a cigarette while they talked about nothing in particular. There was something weighing heavily on Shizuo’s mind, though. He couldn't let go of that car he’d seen the flea climb out of earlier. He knew he should let it lie, but if Izaya was up to his old tricks there was a good chance this whole thing was just a way to use him. So, unable to let his suspicion go, he asked: “Hey, Izaya. Are you working your old job again?”

Izaya let out a heavy sigh, “Didn’t you already ask me this, Shizu-chan? My answer hasn’t changed.”

“So…no?”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that.”

“So you are then?”

“You always see the world in black and white but there are so many shades in between you keep missing.”

Shizuo knit his brow. He knew Izaya was trying to make this more complicated than it was. He hated it when Izaya tried to talk him in circles, “…fine. Whatever it is you’re doing, just leave me out of it this time.”

"Of course, I wouldn't dream of involving you." Izaya struggled making that sound sincere. He still hadn't decided what his plan with Shizuo was yet. But so far he was enjoying the ride. He absently spun his cane like he was trying to drill a hole in the ground.

While watching Izaya, Shizuo noticed a section of raised, shining flesh on the back of Izaya's hand up near his wrist. The scar continued upward and disappeared into his jacket sleeve, “What the hell?” He pulled Izaya’s hand closer--to Izaya's shock--and pushed up the cuff of his sleeve to reveal a scar in the shape of a kanji--者

Before Shizuo could push his sleeve up farther, Izaya violently pulled his hand back and tugged his cuff down in an attempt to cover the ugly mark. But Shizuo noticed the same scar creeping out onto the back of his other hand. How had he not noticed before? Was he that focused on keeping his rage in check he just didn’t see them?

Shizuo's stomach twisted in a knot. “What the hell is that?”

Izaya levelled an icy glare at him, “It’s nothing.”

The sudden shift in the Flea’s attitude was aggravating. Shizuo clenched his jaw. He felt the familiar anger beginning to simmer in him. “That's not nothing!”

“To you, it is.”

Shizuo’s brow knit together and his hands clenched into fists, “This won’t work if you keep lying to me!” he growled.

Izaya was silent, an expression of angered confusion crossed his face. After a moment, he spoke up, eyes trained on the pavement in front of him, hands gripping his cane,“’This’?" He frowned at the sidewalk, "And what exactly do you think ‘this’ is?”

“Shit," Shizuo leaned back in the bench, rubbing his temple he said, "I don’t know, but—”

“I think it's time to go.” Izaya stood up. A line had been crossed. He made that clear, “It’s been fun, Shizu-chan.” Izaya shot his companion one of his masking smiles. As he began to walk away Shizuo stood up and grabbed his wrist.

“Wait,” he pleaded, calming down from his outburst, “Just. Wait a minute.”

Izaya turned back to him, “All of a sudden you're so damn determined to pry into my life. What has gotten into you?" He tried to pull his wrist from Shizuo's grasp, "All you need to know is you have nothing to do with those particular scars. There, your conscience is clean, now let me go—”

Shizuo leaned down and planted a kiss on Izaya’s lips. It was a brief contact but it was enough to thoroughly confuse Izaya who pulled back and grimaced.

Shizuo loosened his grip on Izaya's wrist and hung his head, “Look, I’m sorry, I just—" He let go of Izaya, crossed his arms, and looked up towards the sky, "god, that was stupid!”

“I won’t argue that.” Izaya was only half-teasing, “Goodnight, Shizuo” As Izaya walked away he rubbed his lower lip with his thumb. His mind was muddy—somehow blank and buzzing at the same time. His heart was racing--fluttering? Both? It was like panic and something else, something much less familiar. Izaya tried not to think about it, though he could still feel Shizuo’s lips on his hours later.

* * *

 When he returned home, Izaya was in a trance. Manami had left a note on the fridge with the hotel she would be staying at. He didn't notice it as he went to the kitchen and tore through the cabinets for an unopened bottle of brandy. He slammed the bottle on the counter and fumbled through his jacket pockets for his tramadol, hands shaking, heart racing. He couldn't miss a dose like he had the night before, if the pain caught up with him it might kill him. He had to stay ahead of it. He took the pills faithfully and left the bottle on the counter.

Izaya grabbed the brandy, slumped unceremoniously onto the couch, and peeled off his jacket as he dropped the bottle on the cushions next to him. The rising temperatures always made that coat less and less bearable to wear. He rubbed his brow with his thumb and forefinger, closed his eyes, and tried his best not to think.  
The AC roared to life, making Izaya nearly leap out of his skin at the sudden noise. His eyes shot wide open. _It's nothing, it's just the air conditioning, it's nothing_ he laughed to himself as he repeated the mantra in his head. Now in short sleeves, with his eyes open, Izaya was forced to see them: the ugly, intricate tangle of scars that ran down both of his forearms. Every line of them painfully deliberate, every kanji painfully legible.

裏切り者—uragirimono—traitor

Izaya stared at the scars, a lump rising in his throat. He slowly traced the word with his left index finger, a ritual he had done countless times. Each line filled him with disgust, with hatred--but he caressed them with a strange reverence, a sort of worship made of self-loathing. _Why did Shizuo have to be so curious?_ he thought as his throat grew tighter, _Why couldn’t he just pretend he didn’t notice?_ The tightness in his chest made it hard to breathe in anything but gasping sobs. He felt like he’d been hit by a train. The agony and terror that came with those marks was not something he wanted to revisit. But that damn protozoan monster—couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut? If Shizuo hadn’t brought it up he wouldn’t be shaking right now. His heart wouldn’t skip at every sound. The red glow of hot iron wouldn’t be blazing behind his eyelids. _Damn him!_ Izaya knew the panic attack wasn't brought on by Shizuo. But blaming him for it just made things easier.

The fear slowly subsided, tears began rolling down Izaya's face and his mind jumped to a new train of thought as Shizuo’s words rang in his ears: “This won’t work”. He buried his face in his hands, Shizuo was right. Izaya wasn’t sure exactly what his goal with him was, but he knew the monster was right. “This won’t work.” The words repeated. As they played over and over in his head they seemed to get louder.

“This won’t work.”

He wouldn’t be able to return to his old self.

“This won’t work.”

He wouldn’t be able to escape his fate with the Awakusu.

“This won’t work.”

He wouldn’t be able to slip back into his life.

This won't work. This won't work. This won’t work. This won't work.This won't work. This won’t work.This won't work.This won’t work.This won't **work. This won’t work. Thiswon'tworkThiswon'tworkThiswon'tworkThiswon'tworkThiswon'twork**

Izaya suppressed a scream. He dug his nails into his scalp until he could feel small droplets of blood on his fingertips. He tugged at his hair and sobbed relentlessly into his arms covering his face. It was a long time before he calmed down enough to open the bottle next to him.

* * *

 " _Shinra! You’re not going to believe who that job was for!_ " Celty typed excitedly, bursting through the door of her apartment.

Shinra greeted her at the door and embraced her as usual but she pushed him away and pointed at her phone, forcing him to read the message first, “Who was it for? Don't tell me my father is employing you again, I'm going to have a chat with him--”

Celty shook her head, " _No, it had nothing to do with your father._ "

"Okay then who was it that made you abandon our evening of snuggling up on the couch marathoning the X-files? I'll make them pay for taking my Celty away from me and daring to make her work instead of enjoying a romantic evening of cowering in my arms every time an alien is mentioned!" Shinra declared dramatically. Truthfully he was no good in a fight so any threats he made rang hollow, though the sentiment was sweet.

Celty jabbed him in the stomach.

"ow, okay okay you're not a scaredy cat when it comes to aliens and I guess I won't be comforting you tonight when you wake up from those abduction nightmares."

Celty tossed her helmet on the coffee table and typed: " _It was for Izaya, can you believe that?_ "

Shinra's eyes grew wide with surprise, “What? Really? Wait so he’s in town? And he didn’t even stop by to see me?” Shinra sighed, "What could he have possibly needed anyway?"

" _Yeah he’s back in town. It was weird though, he wasn’t really acting like himself._ " Celty sat on the sofa and pulled an open laptop towards her to type more efficiently.

“Hmm? What do you mean?” Shinra sat down next to her.

" _I mean when I showed up he was sitting on the curb and didn’t bother to stand up once, he was also wearing these gloves...and he seemed weirdly happy to see me...and his face was all red. It was just so...weird._ "

“Oh my god, Celty,” Shinra laughed, “he was drunk?!”

" _What????!!! I mean that would make sense but I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like that before. Although he did have me delivering some weird drugs…._ " Celty straightened up. Shinra could practically see a light bulb form in the smoke rising from her neck. She dropped her shoulders back down and started typing furiously, " _wait a second—you don’t think? Oh my god no, no way he’d do that, right?_ "

“Are you suggesting Izaya Orihara is addicted to street drugs?”

" _Well…what else could it be, Shinra?_ "

Shinra shook his head and laughed, “Celty, you're so amazing, you know that?" Shinra wiped tears from his eyes, "He’s probably just working again.”

" _I don’t know…something seemed really off. Besides, why would he need to go back to that kind of work?_ "

Shinra laid down across the couch, "I don't know, it's Izaya, he was probably just bored or something." Shinra sighed, "Why are we even talking about him? Can't we just enjoy the rest of the season together?" he pouted, looking up into the smoke emanating from his wife's neck. "although, I can't say I'm not curious--what did he have you bring him?"

" _it was just a bag with these bright green pills that looked kind of like candy if candy were literal poison._ "

"green pills, green pills..." Shinra's face lit up, "Oh my god Celty, I know the ones you're talking about. I've seen people on those at least a dozen times over the last year!"

" _What are they?_ "

"I'm not entirely sure, all I know is a lot of gangs have been using them and starting turf wars over them. If he's researching them--"

Celty enveloped Shinra's mouth in shadow, " _you can talk to him in the morning. Tonight, you're mine_ "

She released her husband so he could speak, "Oh, Celty I hoped you'd say that!"

* * *

 “Fingerless gloves and a cane? Brother, you get creepier and creepier every time we see you.” Mairu observed as she approached Izaya outside of their dojo, Kururi in tow.

“I didn’t know people still wore those.” Kururi confessed, silently judging her brother’s taste which she always thought was questionable.

“Ah, I can always count on the love and support of my baby sisters. Slightly taller but no less cruel.” Izaya beamed at the two troublemakers. The trio began walking down the deserted, remote street back to town.

“Yup! You sure can! So, did you come all the way back to Ikebukuro just to see us?” Mairu was walking backwards ahead of her brother, an opened can of soda dangling from her right hand. She found that she had to slow down significantly to keep pace with him.

“I doubt it.” Despite Kururi’s cold demeanor, she had taken Izaya’s arm in hers and was looking up at him with curiosity.

“I actually stopped by to ask you something: I heard a couple of twins had become quite the entrepreneurs while I was away.” Izaya smirked at them coolly. Admittedly, he did feel a certain amount of pride in their antics. From what he heard, they had followed in his footsteps by getting involved in the information trade. From what he heard, they were good at it.

“Ah, so you’re here to take advantage of our network. Well no way that’s happening. To think you’d have to resort to using your own sisters.” Mairu spun away from her brother in a huff.

“That’s pretty pathetic.” Kururi conceded.

Mairu slowed her pace to fall in step next to the other two. She walked beside Izaya and matched her steps with the tapping of the cane on the pavement next to her. She wondered how he would react if she kicked that stick out from under him, “Don’t you have your own network to use? No point coming to us, really.”

“Mairu, you know he doesn’t”

“Oh, that’s right.” She skipped in front of her brother and spun back around so she was walking backwards again, “Well, good luck trying to get back in business, old man. The city’s moved on without you, you know. It will take a lot to catch up and it sure sucks for you that we can’t help. Come on, Kururi, let’s go look for some perverts to kick the crap out of.” Mairu released one of her sister’s hands from Izaya’s arm to lead her away.

“I haven’t even told you the pay yet.” Izaya sighed. Dealing with these two was always a headache.

“Well we’re not interested,” Mairu was very matter of fact about the whole thing. She tried to drag Kururi away but her sister held onto her brother’s arm tighter and stopped walking altogether, pulling Izaya to a standstill that nearly threw him off balance.

“Actually, I’m curious” Kururi looked up at Izaya.

“Between the two of you, you almost have some sense.” He freed his arm from his sister’s grip and planted both hands on the top of his cane. “How would you two like to spend a couple months taking credit for the most popular new novel series in Japan?” He smiled down at the twins, sure they would take the bait.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying, Izaya? You’ll let us finish out your tour?” Mairu stood on her toes to meet her brother’s eye. He had obviously peaked her interest with the offer.

“That seems generous of you,” Kururi was understandably wary.

“Consider it a gift. You just have to do one small thing for me first.”

Mairu turned to her sister and grimaced. For a moment the twins silently looked at each other. They seemed to be having a wordless conversation between them. Mairu turned back to Izaya, “I don’t know, I think we should deliberate about it.”

“What if I can get Kasuka to do a reading with you?”

Without missing a beat Kururi replied, “What’s the job?”

Mairu spun to face her sister and plead with her, “Kururi! Don’t let him buy you out like that!”

“It’s nothing too difficult. I just need you to tell me everything you know about this,” Izaya produced a bag containing half a dozen small, bright green pills from his pocket.

“oh.” Kururi looked hesitant, “yes we know about those.”

“A lot of our class mates are taking them. They call them banshees.”

“Banshees? Why?” Izaya cocked an eyebrow.

Mairu took the bag from Izaya, pulled out one of the pills, and dropped it in her open soda can. As soon as the drug hit the liquid a loud scream pierced the air.

Izaya’s heart leapt to his throat and he jumped at the noise. Mairu yelled above it, “That’s why! Because when you dissolve them in liquid they do that!” The noise died down after a minute but the twins’ brother couldn’t keep his heart from racing.

Izaya was visibly shaken. He tried to hide his sudden panic with a laugh. “Really, what is this town’s obsession with Celtic nonsense?”

“When did you get so twitchy, bro?” Mairu ignored her brother's question and raised an eyebrow; her eyes took on a mischievous gleam, “It’s not gonna hurt you, here, let me show you again,” She reopened the bag but before she could pull out another dose, Izaya snatched it away.

“I get it, we don’t need another demonstration.” He replaced the bag in his pocket, “what else do you know?”

“You promise you can get Kasuka to do the tour with us?”

“Just one event.”

“Three”

“Two.”

“Deal.” Mairu and Izaya shook hands on the deal.

Kururi piped up, “They’re hallucinogenic.”

“That’s right, but they’re not like other party drugs,” Mairu added, “people who take them tend to wind up strange.”

“they get really paranoid”

Mairu gave Izaya a sideways glance, “and really jumpy. But a lot of people say when you take them it’s like you can see the future or something.”

“A lot of people say they see god.”

“That all sounds like hype, though. Anyway, they’ve also got some sort of addictive stimulant in them. Most people don’t just take them once. But once the trip is over the actual drug doesn’t really leave your system and the more you take it just builds up more and more.” Mairu poured her drink out on the pavement, “People start seeing things that aren’t there, they start getting easily confused and disoriented and violent, and then some of them, they sort of,” She tossed the empty can in a nearby disposal, “…disappear.”

“interesting.” Izaya mused

“But you want to know who’s selling them, don’t you?”

“There’s a gang that started at school that sells them” kururi piped up.

“It wasn’t easy figuring out where they were getting them to sell, though. Lots of thumbtacks to get that info.” Mairu stretched and put her hands behind her head.

“The blue squares are the ones selling to the younger gangs.”

“Then there’s some sort of college outfit who’s distributing to them. The leftovers of the Heavens Slave stuff. But they aren’t the ones making it, they’re also getting it from somewhere else but--”

“--Then the trail dead ends.”

“Though, there’s that biker gang: The Dragon Zombies. They tend to keep to themselves but it seems like a lot of this stuff is going through them. Again, they don’t make it. They’re more like a courier service for whoever does.”

“That’s all we know.”

“Well, it’s a good start,” Izaya said as the three of them began walking side-by-side again, “I hope you haven’t been neglecting your studies for all of this, though.”

Mairu laughed, “Look at Izaya, trying to be a proper big brother for once!” Each of the twins was now holding one of Izaya’s arms hostage as they started chatting excitedly about their lives. Mairu dominated the conversation, which felt more like a discussion between the twins with Izaya as a silent centerpiece.

Once they reached the train station, the siblings said their good-byes. What Izaya didn’t expect was for Mairu and Kururi to throw their arms around him and say “It’s good to see you again.” And “we missed you.” before releasing him.

Izaya chuckled at their sentiment, “See you around, you codependent little terrors.”

Mairu smiled as she gave him a solid punch in the arm before disappearing into the station, “See ya around, jerk!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A wild plot appeared


	5. That Last 1%

“Please, for the love of god, Erika, stop talking about this” Kadota was exhausted. He didn’t want to hear any more about Erika’s fantasies of Izaya and Shizuo.

“But what if they kissed? I knew they would find a way into each other’s arms! I told you, I told all of you, but you never listened. Ah, why does everyone discount BL so much?”

“First of all, it’s not some BL manga series, these are _real people that we actually know_. Second, you’re being creepy about it. Leave them alone, dude.”

Erika’s ramblings made the whole group uncomfortable, everyone thought they’d heard the end of it years ago but now that the info broker was back in town it was all she ever talked about.

Kadota turned to face Togusa, “Are you sure we’re going the right way?”

“I was,” Togusa replied hesitantly as he crawled at an achingly slow pace along an alleyway, “but now I’m not so sure. I think we got turned around somewhere.” He started to back up down the alley to return to a street.

“Uh, guys?” Walker muttered from the back seat, pointing towards where his eyes were fixed on the alley ahead of them.

Kadota spun to face whatever Walker was looking at, “EVERYONE, DUCK!” he grabbed Togusa’s shoulder and pulled him towards the floor so their bodies were blocked by the dashboard as the van was hit with open fire.

In the back seat, Erika and Walker exchanged serious looks. Walker pulled an aerosol spray can out of his bag along with a lighter.

“Everyone, close your eyes and plug your ears.” Erika warned.

The side doors of the van flew open simultaneously and Erika tossed something out of the passenger’s side. When it landed, the thing exploded with a loud bang and a blinding flash of light. While all the commotion was going on, Walker crept up on the other side of the gunman and hit him with his makeshift flame thrower.

The alley was filled with the sound of the gunman’s screams as he rolled on the ground, desperate to extinguish the flames engulfing his arm. Unbeknownst to him, his torment had only just started.

As the flames died out, Erika emerged from the direction of the flash bomb with a chloroform soaked rag.

 

* * *

 

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Impulsive and stupid. Goddammit, why are you like this? You stupid, impulsive piece of sh--_

“Shizuo!”

 _\--Now he’ll never want to see you again, you moron. You just had to go and be a fucking stupid, impulsive child about the whole thing and where did that get you?_ Shizuo yelled, “WHAT DOES IT MATTER ANYWAY, HUH?! SO WHAT IF THAT ASSHOLE FLEABAG IS AVOIDING ME?! WHAT DO I CARE, HUH?! THAT’S RIGHT, I DON’T CARE! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HIM!” each utterance of the word ‘hate’ was accented by a punch towards a muscular man who was trying his best to put up a fight. The man managed to somehow block and dodge most of Shizuo’s throws, but not without substantial damage.

“Shizuo!” Tom’s voice broke his fit.

Shizuo stopped his fist immediately. He looked at the man he’d been fighting and sighed, “shit.” _What the hell am I doing?_ “Sorry, I thought I was past this bullshit.”

The man raised an eyebrow at Shizuo’s sudden change of attitude. It was like jumping from a boiling bath into ice water. He rushed a reply, “No, no, it’s fine, d-don’t worry about it.” His voice was shaky. He waved his hands in dismissal, hoping desperately the two debt collectors would leave with what little cash he had.

“Are you okay? I know someone who can patch you up—”

“Really, it’s fine.” The man smiled as much as he could through his freshly fractured jaw and started backing away from Shizuo.

“Are you sure?”

“Shizuo, come on. We need to get going.” Tom threw his thumb over his shoulder and nodded towards the opposite end of the street.

Shizuo took a moment to tear his eyes away from the direction their client had fled before slowly turning to follow Tom towards their next one. He walked with his hands shoved in his pockets and his gaze directed towards the pavement.

“So…I couldn’t help but overhear what you were saying back there.” Tom remarked tentatively.

Shizuo flushed with embarrassment, kept his eyes trained on the pavement in front of him, and groaned, “ugh, yeah.”

“Is something going on? You’ve been on edge all week.”

“I just think I messed up. I did something stupid and now he won’t talk to me.”

“You _want_ him to talk to you? I thought you guys had that whole…mortal enemy thing. Is that over or something?”

“Yeah, well. I don’t know.” Shizuo lit up a cigarette while he contemplated the question, “I’m kind of worried about him.”

“Really?”

“Last time I saw him I made him upset. He just sort of shut down." He sighed, "It's my own stupid fault, I shouldn't have said anything or tried to. . .ugh!" He groaned in frustration.

"So you tried to what?"

"I tried to kiss him, Like _that_ would fix it or somethin' but it just made everything worse and now he won’t talk to me: I’ve called, texted, nothing. It’s already been a week.”

"You  _kissed him?_ What the hell, man? What are you even going for here?"

"I don't know."

Tom sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets, "I don't understand any of this, why is he getting to you like a schoolyard crush these days?"

"It's not like that." Shizuo replied, calmly, "At least, I don't think it is."

Tom cocked an eyebrow at his friend and shrugged, "Sure man, whatever you say."

"It's been so long and I want to believe he's changed, but," Shizuo knit his brow, "I just keep waiting for him to pull the same crap he did before."

Tom lit a cigarette and looked up to the sky, searching for some halfway decent advice, "That's a tricky one." was all he came up with.

 

* * *

 

The job was an easy one. Normally, Vorona wouldn’t come all the way to Japan to take a small-scale gig like this, but recently she had been looking for any excuse to return to Tokyo. The familiar, stifling air of Ikebukuro flooded her with memories. It struck her as amazing that such a short time spent there had impacted her so much.

The woman who hired her told Vorona that if she did well on this insultingly simple task, there could be more work for her in Tokyo in the future. That was more than enough to make Vorona agree to take on this job. There was a part of her that desperately wanted to see Tom and Shizuo again: if bumping off a small-time drug dealer meant she could return to them, Vorona was more than happy to do it.

The target lived in a run-down apartment building. Vorona spent a day scoping out the man’s residence, finding a perfect place to strike from. She set up for the hit in a building across the alley from her prey's bedroom window. Though she knew it was unnecessary—she could have easily taken him down without firepower—Vorona thought a little target practice couldn’t hurt. So, she waited, watching the darkened room for any sign of life.

It felt like an eternity of waiting. There was absolutely no movement in the room for what felt like hours. Then there was cacophony. Vorona heard the muffled sound of two gunshots and something heavy crashing to the floor. She snapped to attention in time to see her target tearing open the window and hurtling out onto the fire escape. She tried to get a clear shot at them as they quickly leapt down to the floors below, reaching the street in record time. She fired a round that hit him square in the thigh.

By all logic, the target should have paused or at least slowed down after sustaining that injury. Instead, he kept running as if he were completely unharmed. Vorona cursed at herself for letting him slip away. She quickly packed up her weapons to give chase. That was when she saw someone familiar leaning out of the target’s window: Shizuo Heiwajima. 

 

* * *

 

Tom knocked on the next client’s apartment door to no avail. “Dammit, no way he’s not home.”

“Maybe he just didn’t hear ya.” Shizuo placed his phone back in his pocket. He had been checking it obsessively for days.

Tom knocked again but there was still no answer. After waiting a minute in silence, Tom tried the doorknob; it turned with no resistance.  Opening the door ajar, Tom called into the darkened apartment, “Hello?” There was still no response. “I think it’s empty.” He said, swinging the door wide open.

The two stepped into the apartment and something immediately felt wrong. Shizuo was on alert, all senses primed for any danger, and a strange feeling that this was a set-up settled in the pit of his stomach. “It stinks here.”

“Yeah, I agree. This place is giving me the creeps. Let’s just see if we can find this guy and get the hell out of here.”

The two men inspected the apartment, Shizuo wandered in the direction of the small kitchen where he found a pill press, several bottles spread out on the counters, and what looked like a make-shift chemistry set. “Hey, Tom, come check this out.”

Tom turned to make his way over to Shizuo from where he had been checking doors in the hall.

When Tom’s back was turned, a door at the end of the hall slowly opened and a face peered out at the strangers. The person had overheard the two intruders conversing, their heart was racing as they thought _These must be the men who’ve come to get rid of me. Well, not if I get rid of them first._

Without warning, a gunshot rang out through the small apartment and Tom yelled in pain, “Shit! What the hell?!” a bullet planted itself firmly in Tom’s left shoulder. He dodged behind a corner before the second shot let loose.

Shizuo ran over to his friend, “Tom! Are you okay?!”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine, let’s just get out of here, man.”

Shizuo tensed, “Not until I kill this guy.”

“Dude, let it be, let’s just go.” Before Tom even finished his sentence, Shizuo hurled a large television down the hallway towards the shooter, who slammed the door shut in an attempt to keep the charging beast at bay.

Shizuo ran to the back room where the attacker was, fury in his veins. As soon as he tore open the door, the person was gone; he caught a final glimpse of them crawling out the window and onto the fire escape. Shizuo dashed over to the window sill and leaned out to see the man dashing down the alleyway towards the street. "Dammit!" 

A loud, explosive gunshot echoed off the brick of the buildings, reverberating through the alley, and shook shizuo's spine. He started, then looked in the direction of the noise to see a woman in an open window of the building across the alley, hurriedly breaking down a large gun and shoving it in a bag. He caught sight of her white biker suit and blond hair, "Vorona?"

“Come on, man, it’s not worth it, I’ll be fine.” Tom called from the hall; the gunshot from the alley gave him pause before he reached Shizuo. He gripped his shoulder as though trying to ensure it wouldn’t fall off.

Shizuo ducked back into the room, smacking his head on the edge of the window as he did so.

 

* * *

 

Shizuo rubbed the back of his skull while he walked with Tom as the two left the apartment building. A growing sense of irritation washed over him now that he an Tom were both safe. He had a feeling he knew exactly who orchestrated this mess. Shizuo was eager to lay the blame at the feet of his enemy. 

The two walked in silence, nursing their wounds, when a white motorcycle pulled out onto the street in front of them. The rider’s blonde locks stuck out under a white helmet. They only caught a momentary glimpse of the bike before it sped out of sight.

Tom stared after the biker, “Wait, was that—?”

“Huh? Yeah, I think so.” Shizuo emerged from his contemplative daze. 

“What the hell is she doing here?” Tom was almost hopeful, he momentarily forgot he had just been shot and was heading to a black market doctor to get fixed up. 

“With Vorona, it’s probably best not to ask.” 

“True.” Tom sighed. He shrugged with one shoulder and let go of his last hope that Vorona would ever return for his sake, “Maybe she’s here for the reunion episode.”

 

* * *

 

Togusa flung open the door and hopped out of the car to inspect the damage. Several fresh holes pierced the windshield and hood, and the entire driver’s side headlight was shattered. Togusa’s heart dropped, he felt like he had swallowed lead as he added up the cost of the damages in his head. He gripped the hood of the vehicle and dropped to his knees, lamenting, “My van! Why? Why does this keep happening?”

Erika and Walker were at work tying up the subdued gunman. “It’s been way too long since we’ve done this!” Walker beamed at Erika.

“I know, I can’t wait to get started! To think, I’m not even properly prepared! Which series should we work with this time?”

“Well, in light of recent events I think I know which one we should do.” They tossed the man in the trunk, closed the hatchback, and returned to the back seat.

“It’s like you read my mind! In that case, I know exactly which scene, too! This is going to be so much fun!”

While Togusa checked under the hood, Kadota tested the car out to see if it would run. By some miracle the thing was still in working condition. Togusa closed the busted hood and took the driver’s seat back from Kadota. They drove away from the scene and to an empty parking garage where Erika and Walker could go about their work with no threat of anyone overhearing.

Kadota and Togusa chatted outside of the closed-up van while the other two merrily tortured their victim.

“I wonder what the hell this was all about.” Kadota sighed, trying not to listen to the wild laughter and muffled screams coming from inside the vehicle behind him.

“He better pay for the damages.” Togusa could only think about the harm brought to his beloved car. He knew he wouldn’t have the cash to pay out of pocket for this mess himself.

“Yeah, maybe those two can torture his bank account number out of him.”

The hatchback flew open, “Dota-chin, you’ve got to see this.” Erika called.

Kadota and Togusa crowded around the man who had been at the mercy of the other two. His eyes shone with a familiar bright red.

“He said he knows we’re dollars and that’s why he attacked us but when we tried to find out anything else, this happened.” Erika gestured towards the man.

“Who are you working for?” Walker questioned him.

The man cracked a smile and let out a high-pitched laugh, “Mother says it’s a secret.”

“Jesus, more Saika bullshit?” Kadota crossed his arms and shook his head, “Hey, Erika, you think maybe your girlfriend can help us out here?”

 

* * *

 

 Shinra had been treating gunshot wounds for his entire career so by now he could do it with his eyes closed.

"Ow!" Tom jerked away from Shinra as he yanked a bullet out of his shoulder, "Will you keep your eyes open when you're doing surgery on me, man?"

"I told you I could do it with my eyes closed."

"That doesn't mean you should!" 

Shizuo paced the length of Shinra's apartment, seething. “I know he’s behind this.” He fumed, “I knew something like this would happen. He’s dead. He’s so friggin’ dead. I’m going to kill that flea bastard."

“Relax, Shizuo, it's not a big deal.” Tom replied, wincing as Shinra began stitching him up.

"He thinks he can get my friends hurt and have no consequences? I'm gonna go over there and kill him."

“Don’t you think you’re over-reacting a little?”

"What? You think Izaya did this?" Shinra asked.

"Of course he did! 99% of this kind of shit is his fault!" Shizuo glared at Shinra.

Shinra shook his head, "That's generally true, but this might actually be that 1% where it's not."

Shizuo knit his brow and growled, "What, you saying that shady bastard has nothing to do with this?!" His voice grew louder as the sentence went on, ending in a full yell.

"There's been more gunshot victims coming through here since he _left_ Tokyo," Shinra pointed out, "If your brain didn't work so hard to keep you in one piece, it would be obvious to you this is just--"

"YOU SAYIN' IT'S RANDOM? HUH?!" No part of Shizuo could believe that, even if he wanted to. His best friend got shot--right after that asshole flea had shown his face again--and he was supposed to believe it was random violence? 

Shinra started disinfecting and bandaging Tom's wound as he nodded, "Thats exactly what I'm saying. I just saw him the other day, trust me, he's not behind this particular mess. The man's too much of a wreck to be planning anything like this." He tore off a piece of gauze from a roll and continued, "You can ask him yourself," Shinra finished with the bandage and began putting his tools away, "Though, I guess that wont be much help, huh? I don't know what he's even doing back, he shouldn't really be _in_ Tokyo." Shinra shook his head, sighing, "He never had much sense of self-preservation, did he? Oh, you're done, Tom."

"Thanks, man. What do I owe you?" Tom replied, turning to face the doctor.

Shinra waved a hand in dismissal, "If you can get Shizuo out of here without breaking anything, it's free."

Shizuo continued pacing, hands balled into fists, muttering "I'll kill him I'll kill him, he's dead, he's so dead, 'I won't involve you' my ass, you're dead, Izaya, dead dead dead dead"

Shinra stared at the display Shizuo was putting on with a resigned exhaustion. "He didn't hear a word I said, did he?"

Tom shook his head. "Maybe I should just pay you." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got really stuck on this one for a while. I knew what I wanted to write but I hit a block that was difficult to push past, I'm glad I finally did so this project can progress to where I want it to be. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
> While writing this chapter I had a passing thought that perhaps I got too into Breaking Bad. And Tom is right, this whole fic is more or less a reunion episode. The title for this one is pulled right from that bit of dialogue between Shizuo and Izaya in the Saika arc, I thought it would be fitting and help explain Shizuo's emotional and mental state.  
>   
>   
> Anyway, thanks for reading! Comments are always welcome, I love hearing from my readers!

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work in progress. As in eventually I will probably make minor edits. Life is a mystery. I apologize for the wildly inconsistent update times. Thanks for sticking around!


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